1) It's obvious that everyone who signed it felt compelled to, and not because they really liked the person whose birthday it's in honor of. It was passed to them and they were told: "Sign this!"
2) There's always some jackass who writes A LOT and in REALLY BIG handwriting right in the middle of the blank page so everyone else has to write tiny little things all around it, and try to use other colors of pens to differentiate the giganto-greeting from their own.
3) No one ever knows what to write. You feel like a douche writing "Happy Birthday!", but you also feel like a douche writing "Hope your day is filled with special things" or "May this year be better than the last!" There's just no good thing to write in a birthday card.
4) The card is always some idiotic picture with some idiotic message. Each and every time you see a greeting card that is picked out for someone at the office, you feel super-depressed because there's some jerk out there who designed this card and actually got money for it. And it sucks! And it makes you feel bad about your life because if you were to churn out that uncreative, hideous piece of crap, you would probably get fired, or at the very least, be put on probation or something. How come this guy who designed this piece of crap gets to keep his job? How come he makes money for something so craptastic?
5) The person who receives the card inevitably glances at it for a couple seconds and throws it away. They're like "Aw, how ni--" and it's in the garbage before the "ce" in "nice" can eek out.
Office birthday cards: They--like the space shuttle--should die a dignified death and be placed in the annals of human history as a quaint idea that was better in theory than in practice.
There's a birthday card going around for you right now and I could not be more gleeful about it.
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